3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
