the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
