After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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