He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I wish life had little blips of pornography
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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