Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Sorry my hands just texted you
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
not ubering you a puppy
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
