Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
