this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
