That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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