I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Randomize
