Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
