Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
