it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
