Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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