I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
