We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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