Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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