just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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