Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
