What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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