I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
