If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
