That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
