I wish I only lived at night.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
you inspire me to be a worse person
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Randomize
