I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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