i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
