Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
