yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
