There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
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