I heard we made out
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
