He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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