I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
