So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
