he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
