life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
