I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
