im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
