Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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