I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
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