a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
