If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
