Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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