So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
