you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
