just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
