They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
My vagina is very pro this idea
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
