I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
