And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
