so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
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Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
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To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Everclear isn't food dammit
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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