Who did Billy Mays play for?
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
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