I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
