i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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