I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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