Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision