Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(512): View more from Texas

i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy

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(512): i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy http://tfl.nu/sv21

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(614): View more from Ohio

You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.

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(614): You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat. http://tfl.nu/8yi0

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(910): View more from North Carolina

so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.

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(910): so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch. http://tfl.nu/syjm

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(315): View more from New York

I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"

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(315): I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry" http://tfl.nu/cwet

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at

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(732): I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at http://tfl.nu/9oei

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job

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(856): Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job http://tfl.nu/pld4

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(905): View more from Ontario

MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.

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(905): MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it. http://tfl.nu/mzwz

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(630): View more from Illinois

Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.

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(630): Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week. http://tfl.nu/dxsu

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(415): View more from California

Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.

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(415): Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time. http://tfl.nu/wfi0

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(731): View more from Tennessee

Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.

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(731): Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us. http://tfl.nu/v50h

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.

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(865): I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me. http://tfl.nu/r0al

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(804): View more from Virginia

I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone

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(804): I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone http://tfl.nu/9ph0

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(504): View more from Louisiana

As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!

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(504): As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!! http://tfl.nu/d5pb

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.

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(570): I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club. http://tfl.nu/5u2s

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(425): View more from Washington

This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed

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(425): This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed http://tfl.nu/f7du

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