Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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