if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Randomize
