Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
