If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
