I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
